My Murphy's Law Morning

This morning, I swear, was just a comedy of errors. Ten minutes before it's time for me to take the older two kids to school, my six year old son pipes up

S: mommy...we forgot to do my homework!

Me: you had homework?! why didn't tell me that on Friday, when I asked?!

S: I forgot. If I don't get it done, I have to stay in at recess *eyes well up with tears*

Me: *grrr* ok, get your socks and shoes on really quick, so we can get this done.

He proceeds to dawdle *face palm*.

Me: S get your shoes on, otherwise we can't get this done

S: but I'll miss recess! *sniffles*

Me: then get moving

S: *sobbing* you don't love me

Me: dude, seriously, just get the shoes on.

He finally puts his shoes on and we sit down to do his homework. He's in 1st grade, so I was thinking that his homework wasn't going to be anything more complicated than the homework he's had for the past few weeks. I was wrong. It wasn't really complicated, it just wasn't figuring out what time it is on the analog clock pictures. Nooooooooooooo, we have to find a penny. In the age of debit cards, I'm sorry to say, but we don't have a lot of change lying around, much less a penny. I start digging through the depths of my purse (see hell) and find a penny between a used tissue and some "way past it's prime" chewing gum. Question #1: What is on the front of the penny?  The answer of course is Lincoln's head. My son can't spell "Lincoln". I write it out for him on another piece of paper. He still has problems. Seeing that we have 3 minutes before the tardy bell rings, I grab the pencil and write in the answer (leaving a note at the top, for the teacher). I ask him what's on the back, for question #2, he tells me "a building". Well, he's in 1st grade, I doubt he'll know that it's the Lincoln Memorial. I tell him what the building is called and I write it in. thinking we're home free, I read the next set of instructions. Naturally, there are pictures of dominoes at the bottom...we have to cut them out and paste them to the back of the paper and write the number of dots below each domino. It is at this point, I start to wonder just how early is "too early" to start drinking. I then remind myself that I don't drink and start to entertain the idea of taking up a new hobby called "Mommy drinks". I quickly cut out the dominoes, paste them onto the back of the page and we get the homework done with, I kid you not, 1 minute to spare. I tell the kids to get their jackets (it was a little cool this morning) so we could head to school. They'll be tardy, but not much. S gets his on, with no problem, my oldest on the other hand...

Me: K get your jacket

K: I don't know where it is *turning around in circles, looking up at the ceiling*

Me: *rolling eyes* look in the closet, where it belongs.

K: *runs up to her room*

Me: *standing at the bottom of the stairs with my jaw hanging open and thinking "F*CK ME!"*

K: *comes downstairs with her 4 year old sister's jacket on*

Me: are you freaking KIDDING me?!

K: *upset* i can't find it!

Me: *open the hall closet door, exposing her hanging jacket*

K: *still upset* I'm sorry *sniffling*

Me: It's fine, just put your jacket on, so we can go.

K: I don't want to mess my hair up

Me: *bashing head against wall*

She finally gets her hoodie on and we head out the door. The Principal greets us at the walk up. She tells me they're fine, not to worry about the Tardy. I silently thank her, because I have to race back home to get Z ready for preschool. I get Z ready and off to school without too many problems. I then decide to treat myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. I figure I've earned it (it's like a happy dance in your mouth!). I drive the mile and a half to Starbucks and there is nobody.in.line! *squeeeee*. I pull up to the intercom.

Starbucks employee: Good Morning and welcome to Starbucks, may I interest you in a Pumpkin Spice Latte today?

Me: *all smiles* yes! you can! I would like *opens wallet to pull out debit card* .....CRAP! ...sorry about that. I seem to have left my debit card at home..i'll have to drive through and come back in a bit.

Starbucks Employee: NOOOOOOOOOO PROBLEM!

Now, I can't back up and leave, because six...count them....six cars are now behind me. I pull forward and realize that there's a woman that was at the window already. I wait....and wait....and wait....they hand her a latte and her change. I wait...and wait...and wait...they hand her a tray full of fraps and latte's and she FINALLY leaves. I drive past the window, smile and wave and leave. I get back home, race inside to get my debit card (which btw was not in my wallet because I took it out, when we went to the zoo, yesterday) and race back out to the car and drive back to Starbucks (hey, I REALLY needed that latte now). There is a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG LINE, now. Of COURSE, there is, because THIS.IS.MY.LIFE! I wait, patiently, and when I get to the window I decide that I want a sausage sandwich, in addition to my Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Me: ...and I'd like a Sausage Sandwich

Starbucks Employee: ....oh, sorry we're out of those this morning

Me: *thinking: of COURSE you are!* oh, that's ok, i'll just have the latte, thanks.

Ok, no big, I'll just go to McDonald's and get a Sausage Egg McMuffin (save me your "ew", you heard the Starbucks Employee, they.were.OUT!). I get my coffee, joke around with the barista while waiting for my "brain in a cup" and head down the street to McD's. I order a Sausage Egg McMuffin, I pay for a Sausage Egg McMuffin. I get home and notice a squirrel stuck on the small roof above our front porch. We have a split level house. There is a small roof above our front porch and then our big, main floor roof, just above that and a little balcony off to the side. Anyway, the squirrel is stuck on the lower roof. He sees me and starts to go beserk "OMG, HUMAN. HUMAN WILL EAT ME!" and starts racing around the little patch of roof. Now, I'm thinking "squirrel dude, just hop onto the balcony, climb up onto the lawn chair and hop onto the roof". He's still pacing. I get out of the car, because my breakfast is going to get cold if I sit there any longer. I open the door and the squirrel shoots up into the air and onto the upper roof. I guess if you're motivated enough...
I get inside and sit down to eat my breakfast. There sits a Sausage Egg BISCUIT.

...and that, your honor, is when my drinking problem began.