oops!

Note to self: When entering your husband's office...make sure he's NOT in a phone meeting before you say things like "phew it stinks in here...did you fart?!".

What will YOU be when you grow up?

I was snuggling with Z....

Me: mmmm I LOVE you Z. Why do you have to grow up? Why can't you stay small forever?
Z: I HAVE to grow up, so I can catch the bad guys and put them in jail.
Me: Oh? Are you going to be a police officer when you grow up?
Z: *looks at me like I'm stupid* Uh...NO...I'm going to be Batgirl. I'll stop the bad guys and when the police show up, I'll jump up on the roof so they can take the bad guys to jail.

Amazing dog and his tricks

As Z followed the dogs "Sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...Brody siiiiiit....Brody SIT! Good Dog! Mommy, isn't he amazing?!"

So THAT'S what Santa puts in the stockings....

S was looking at the gifts under the tree....
S: I know why you don't want us to put presents in the stockings?
Me: Why is that?
S: because they're too big.
Me: No, I don't want you putting presents in the stockings because SANTA puts crap in them.
S:.....Santa doesn't put crap in the stockings, Mommy; he puts JOY in them.

Would you like a bowl of crazy for breakfast?

Z comes running up to me. "Mommy! Did you know that Brody and Hattie can spin their heads?!" she then put her hands on her hips, puffed her chest out and beamed, proudly, before saying "...I taught them how". I'll just leave you to digest that little nugget of crazy...

Well, you know what I was thinking...

So it's cold...and I don't like being cold.I was thinking about getting into the hot tub after I return from picking Kaylin and Sammy up from school. I had the following conversation with Zoe.


Me: Zoe, you know what I was thinking after we pick Sammy and Kaylin up from school...that you, me, Kaylin and Sammy could get into the hot tub and warm up. What do you think?


Zoe: *her eyes get really big* You know what I was thinking?! I was thinking that we could get Brody some WINGS, so he can FLY!


...because I can't think of anything more that a dog would want, than to fly.

I make no promises...

Today, is my "Helper Day" at Z's preschool-

I was eating leftover chili, for lunch, when Z marched up to me and said "Mommy...you'd better not fart at my preschool or my friends won't like me anymore!" I'll try, but I can't make any promises.....

Read this...

Z walks up to me with a piece of paper. On this piece of paper is a bunch of random letters.

Z: Mommy, read this!
Me: it doesn't say anything...
Z: Yes, it does!
Me: No, it doesn't. It's a bunch of random letters
Z: It SAYS something, I wrote it...READ IT!
Me: It doesn't say anything!
Z: Yes it does!
Me: Fine, what does it say?
Z: I don't know, read it!

If SHE doesn't know what it says, how the hell am I supposed to know?!

...you know what hurts?

The kids came upstairs screaming (they'd been fighting). I was sitting at the computer and John was watching tv.....

S: K HIT ME IN THE NUTS! (she threw a bean bag at him and he missed)
Me: Ok, you guys probably need to go to bed. I'm tired of the fighting.
S: MOMMY! K HIT ME IN THE NUTS!
Me: S, I heard you the first time, you'll live. Go to bed.
S: BUT MOMMY, SHE HIT ME IN THE NUTS, IT HURTS!
Me: OK, EVERYBODY...S GOT HIT IN THE NUTS. REPEAT....S GOT HIT IN THE NUTS...and this just in....IT HURTS! *J begins to laugh*
: MOMMY, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME....IT HURTS!
Me: S, you got hit in the peener...it didn't get cut off, you didn't slam it in a drawer or get it caught in a bear trap. You got hit in your wee little weenie by a bean bag. Do you know what hurts? Pushing a baby out through your vagina hurts, S. If I can overcome that you can overcome a bean bag smacked peener. Now...GO.TO.BED!

** disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form saying that getting hit in the peener is not, in fact painful. I am sure it hurts, smarts, brings a tear to your eye, etc. However, I highly doubt it is as painful as pushing a baby through your vagina (or the pain from the contractions, for that matter). If and when you push something through the tip of your peener, be it a baby, a smart car or a kidney stone...then you'll understand what I mean.**

The girl is just nuts....

Z came running downstairs, last night, and asked me how to spell "Up". I told her "u-p" and she ran off to her room, to look through her old 500 words book. A couple of minutes passed and she came back downstairs, with her chest puffed out and said "Mommy...I know how to spell 'up'.... 'p-u'". I laughed and said "not quite, turn them around". Zoe then proceeded to turn around, with her back facing me and said "p-u".

Z was talking to my dad, the other day, and was telling him that Batgirl had a big butt and she didn't like that, at all. Then she said "Batgirl has BIG BOOBS", looked down at herself, shook her head and, very seriously, said "that's not me at all"

Z was sitting next to my mom, wearing her Batman costume and cape. She fingered the edges of her cape, shook her head and said "I really need to learn how to fly"


I don't know how she comes up with these things, but she entertains the hell out of me

Yeah, that's what I thought....

While I was taking clothes out of the dryer, J came in and hugged me....causing me to jump out of my skin.

Me: don't DO that! I'm already wearing my 'fraidy pants in here as it is
J:*laughing* the spider isn't going to hurt you. spiders are smart and really cool. he has a nest back here and is eating bugs. He's pretty cool looking
Me: is he dead?
J: no
Me: then he's not "cool looking"
J: *grabbing me by the shoulders* you need to go see someone about your spider problem
Me: I don't have a spider problem, I have a "spiders crawling out of clothes that are in my arms" problem!
J: *laughing*
Me: I'm sorry but I think yesterday's episode set me back about 10-15 years in overcoming my fear of those wretched things
J: you're like a straight man in a club, thinking all of the gay men are going to hit on you. the spiders aren't that interested in you.
Me: *glares* hey...I'm getting better. I've let the grass spiders live, around the house and for pete's sake there's a brown recluse in my cardboard box of tapes in sunroom (great place for tapes, I know, right?) and I haven't smooshed it....yet
John: that's his house. he needs a house.
Me: yea well....he's gonna get evicted (I find it interesting that every spider I see is a "he") by the way,can you get the towels out of that basket and put them in the wash for me?
John: *blank look*
Me: I don't feel comfortable picking up piles of laundry right now
J: *laughing* I think we should get a pet spider...a tarantula. I think this would help you with your problem.
Me: you can get a pet spider if I can get a pet snake............yeah, that's what I thought.

Loser...

Because I'm incapable of sitting still, I keep an electronic solitaire game in our bathroom, for when I need to be in there for an extended period of time (don't worry, it gets disinfected on a daily basis). Granted, sometimes the game is the reason I'm in there, for an extended period of time. J and I have had this "friendly" competition going. I am usually the owner of the high score, but occassionally J passes me up. For a long while the high score was stuck at 600 (mine), after months, and I do mean months of trying, J beat my score with 620. A week after he passed my score, I set a new one with 660. After many MORE months of trying, he passed me at 670 and was SO excited about it, razzing me and giving me crap; telling me that I was a loser and he was "the King". Alas, his glory days were short lived. The next day, I was once again the Queen; I broke his high score by five measley points... 675 was the new high. I gave a victory cheer, from my seat on the throne and joyously broke the news that I was, once again, the Solitaire Queen. John's response was not one of joy, but rather one of "Are you freaking kidding me?! It took me MONTHS to beat your score and you beat me by FIVE FREAKING POINTS?!".

This morning, he comes out of the bathroom ranting about how he can't believe I beat his score by five points, how I must have either cheated and/or must be a witch. All I could do was chuckle and say "better luck next time!".

I'm sure this is probably only amusing to me (most things are), but I'm also sure that many of you, at one time or another, have had similar friendly rivalries with your spouses, friends, family members, etc and can understand why this is, at least, a little funny.

I kind of feel bad that J, often, seems to be on the losing end of my greatness, but at the same time....I WIN!

The "talking" ATM...

I've always considered myself lucky that my kids have never really "embarrassed" me by saying things in public. The only one that I can remember is when Z yelled at me, in the store, a few years ago "I DON'T HAVE TO POOP! THEY'RE JUST BAD FARTS!". Today's episode wasn't really embarrassing, but I could have done with out.

When we moved to Kansas, from Utah, we decided to stay with our credit union in Utah. It's not a problem, since there is a "sister" credit union, here in Kansas. We can deposit any checks, at that branch, or use their ATM to withdraw money without a fee, etc. The nearest ATM for this branch, is inside the grocery store. This morning I went to the grocery store, to use the ATM, so I could get groceries (we try to use cash instead of the debit card. it helps us stick to our budget better). I, also, took K with me. I already don't like using their ATM because it beeps so loud, alerting everyone in the store to the fact that you're withdrawing money. I withdrew the max amount allowed for one day. As the cash was coming out, K squeals REALLY LOUD "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOK AT ALL OF THAT MONEY! IS THAT REALLY WHAT FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS LOOKS LIKE?! THAT IS A HUGE STACK, MOM! DO WE GET TO KEEP ALL OF THAT?!" *face palm*. Needless to say, not only did everyone know I withdrew money from the ATM, they now knew exactly how much, thanks to K.

What the...

J and I went to the Casino, this evening. When I sat down at the first machine, the lady next to me hit the minor jackpot. So, I cashed out and moved to another machine. I sit down at a machine, that's in a circle of machines. This lady comes over, smiles at me, I smile back (I'm friendly, dammit!), and I continue to play. I'm watching her with my peripheral vision, while I play the slot machine. She is wearing a low cut shirt, really short cut off shorts and wedges. She leans over, towards me and starts...adjusting her..um...rather large bazoos. I pretend to be oblivious to everything. She does it four times. I ignore her and play my game. She lights up a cigar and blows smoke in my face. I ignore her. She continues to lean over, towards me, and adjust her boobs, again. I'm "ignoring" her and thinking "what the...does she have a midget stuck in there and needs me to pull him to freedom?!". This lasts for about ten minutes. She never plays the machine she is sitting in front of. She finishes her cigar, adjusts her bosoms, again, and stands up. She then leans forward, towards me, so that her chest is like two inches from my face, jiggles her stuff and then walks off. Leaving me to be thoroughly confused;giggling and snorting, until tears fill my eyes. Anyone have any ideas on what the hell that was all about?! Seriously? I attract that strangest people, I swear.

I think I need a drink...

Z: Mommy? What's your second name?
Me: Elizabeth
Z: *sighs* what's your first name?
Me: Sarah
Z: what happened to your "Beff"?
Me: *laughing* that's my nickname
Z: I don't want my name to be "Z I" anymore
Me: why not?
Z: I want it to be "I Z"
Me: So, you want people to call you "I"?
Z: I want them to call me by my second name
Me: "I"?
Z: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Z!
Me: so you want your name to be "I Z Ourlastname" but you want people to call you "Z"
Z: *gives me a "did you forget your helmet?" look* I want people to call me "Z I Ourlastname" ALL OF THE TIME!

*pinches bridge of nose* I'm glad we got that cleared up

Z was sitting next to me on the couch,screaming

Me: Z, stop screaming. It isn't necessary
Zoe: *very seriously and with eyes open wide* It IS necessary IF YOU'RE ON FIRE!

I think I need a drink.....

Well, that didn't go according to plan...

J took this week off, from work, so we could do some things around the house. Today, we're painting K's room. After dropping the kids off at school, we went to Home Depot, to get the paint. Now, it's only about 50 this morning. It's not cold, but it's not really warm either. As we were pulling into the parking lot of Home Depot, the rains hit....and boy DID they! It was raining buckets and the wind was blowing...So that the rain was blowing, almost, sideways. J had one of the two umbrellas and the key fob to the car. I was driving.

J: I'll come around the side to get you
Me: No, just get the other umbrella out of the trunk, for me.
J: No, I'll just come around to get you.
Me: FINE

J gets out and the umbrella nearly gets ripped out of his hands. He manages to come around to the driver's side to let me out and under the umbrella. That is where things went horribly wrong. J opened the door, leaving me to get blasted by the rain and wind, then panics and...I shit you not....RAN. I was screaming at him to lock the car and getting soaked clear through by the rain, because the big doof forgot one important part of the plan....ME! He runs back and past me to lock the car. I give up and just run into the store. I get into Home Depot and I look like I just got out of a pool. Water is just dripping off of me, running down my face and my husband is laughing his ass off. His jeans, from the knees down, are wet, but that's it. Needless to say, the Home Depot employees were entertained. I can laugh about it, but it's taking me forever to get warmed up, even after changing clothes and getting a big latte from Starbucks. It's a good thing I love him. That doesn't mean I didn't have thoughts of beating him with his umbrella, though :)

Ass is thy name...

So, I'm working on genealogy. I have an Ancestry.com account that I totally get my money's worth out of. Tonight, I see that there's a new link for US Federal Census Non-Population Schedules 1850-1880. I click on it and just type in Mymaidenname in Kansas, to see what comes up. I'm scrolling down, searching for familiar names and all of the sudden, I see "Ass Mymaidenname". I blink and read it again...yep...still says Ass! Surely my good and pure (albeit opinionated and loud mouthed) Quaker Ancestors would never name their child "Ass". I clicked on the digital copy of the census record, scroll down to the "offending Mymaidenname" and start to giggle. It doesn't say "Ass", it says "Asa"! SOMEBODY at Ancestry.com needs their eyes checked...

The Un-Party Girl

My husband was enjoying a glass of Plum Wine, the other night, and he was getting to be a little annoying. The following convo took place.

Me: You're kind of annoying when you drink
J: *slurring* Do you know what YOU are like when YOU drink?
Me: what am I like?
J: You get TIRED. Guys want to take a party girl to the party with them, YOU just fall asleep. I want someone who's going to drink and laugh and show me a good time, not someone who falls asleep in the coat room.

All I could do was laugh, because it's all true. My name is Beth and I'm a sleepy drunk :)

Dude, he's hooooooooooooooooooooooOMG, what is WRONG with me?!

Have you ever seen a guy on tv, be it sports, tv show, whatever and say "dude, he's HOT!". Then stop and remember how old you are (33) and how old they are (20) and that you're wearing a sweatshirt with a stain on the front and ratty sweats and they're wearing hot, awesomeness and you're basically an "old" lady lusting after hot, young (legal, not pedo!) man-meat....yeah, that was awkward.

McDonald's FAIL

I'm not a huge fan of McDonald's. It's ok, once in a great while, but basically it's cheap and unhealthy. J thought he'd be nice and pick up some lunch for us today. He got me my usual (McChicken and small french fry) and then some hamburgers and a large fry to split with Zoe. We sat down to eat lunch....

1 McChicken Sandwich = $1
Surprising your wife with lunch = big smile
Seeing the look on your wife's face as she realizes that the only thing "McChicken" about her sandwich is the wrapper = priceless

How do you spell "McChicken"? I know I don't spell it Fish Fillet! Clearly someone is not qualified to "make" "food" at McD's. Duh, I'll just put it in a McChicken wrapper, no one will ever notice! Good thing I check stuff out before I take a bite. I don't think there is enough water in the world to rinse the taste of McAss out of your mouth.

Drugs are gooooooooooooooooooood....

Let's see...I had two wisdom teeth removed on Feb 9th. Boy was THAT interesting. I opted to take Lorazepam ("I don't give a damn" pill) before the appointment. I was fine until it started to kick in twenty minutes after I took the pill. After that...woooooooooooooooooo! I was gone, ha ha. J got up, since I couldn't drive the kids to school, and when S asked me a question...I just sat there staring at him, my mouth agape. J said "yeeeeeeeeeeah...Mommy has left the building". After he dropped the kids off at school, he asked me if I remembered the address. I said "pffft, i don't need an address, i know where it is". J, wisely, chose to look up the address. When he asked me if google maps had the right place (it's hit and miss with that thing, i swear. this was a miss) i said "...it's not there. it's somewhere else". J was extremely patient with me while I was in my drug induced stupor (drug induced stupid?). When he asked me where it was...
me: duuuuuuuuuuh it's with the wild turkeys
J: and where would those wild turkeys be?
me: *scoffs* on a different street
J: *face palm* we're not going to make it there are we?
me: I know where it is, it's on the other side of xyz street. *very seriously* it's VERY tricky though *nodding head*. It's a long windy road to the end, but once you get there....WILD TURKEYS!

We made it to the correct place at the correct time. I sat in a chair in a daze. J checked me in.

Receptionist: I need her to sign a form.
J: believe me...you don't need her to sign anything
Receptionist: she opted to take the pill, didn't she?
J: OH yeah

I was shuttled back to the back. I wish I could say I got better, but...I didn't.

Me: do I get the mask *holding hand over nose...and leaving it there*
Hygienist: *sing song* did you take your pill this morning?
Me: *nodding*
Hygienist: yes, you get the mask *holding her hand over her nose*

she gave me the laughing gas and things started to get...weird. Voices and sounds were echoing and metallic, the tiles on the ceiling started to swim and...I kid you not, I heard the theme music from Super Mario Brothers, the old NES version. I closed my eyes and as I opened them, I heard the Windows start theme. I, finally, couldn't handle it any more and started laughing.

hygienist: what's so funny?
me: i just heard the windows start theme as i opened my eyes
hygienist: *patting my shoulder* that's because i rebooted the computer honey

the oral surgeon came in and gave me my shots of Novocaine and just popped my wisdom teeth out, as if I merely had two Chiclets's sitting in my mouth. I wasn't given any pain medicine and, as it turned out, I didn't need anything stronger than Motrin and Tylenol.

Happy New Year!

Last night, S and Z were sitting on my lap. I was hugging and kissing them and, basically, just letting them know that I love them.

Z: Mommy? What happened to your other egg?
Me: *blink* my other egg?
Z: that hatches...you're other kid egg
Me: *laughing* my eggs don't work any more...they're broken
S: Are they rotten?
Me: *laughing* yeah, they're rotten.

Well, for some reason, Z was convinced that Human's lay eggs. So, I had to break the news to her that babies don't come from eggs. Then she wanted to know how Mommies have babies. I told her the truth, babies come out of women's vagina. This, of course, earned me a big EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (K, who witnessed Z's birth, agreed *L*). After a couple of minutes...

Z: Mommy, who lives in our old house...in Utah?
Me: I don't remember their names.
Z: How many kid eggs are hatching out of their 'ginas?

Just when you think they "get it", you're slapped with a "yeah...not quite"