Words of wisdom from a moron...

Make sure to read the label when purchasing "Cherry Cider". I cannot stress this enough. Take it a step further and confirm, that it is in fact, Cherry Cider before pouring it into your glass and drinking it. Only to find out that it is Cherry Cider's ugly-"tastes like death"-stepsister..."Cranberry Cider" *harf*

I abhor Cranberry Juice, so you can imagine my reaction to Cranberry Cider. What's really sad, is that I didn't notice the label until I had this crap in my mouth. Lesson learned...nah,let's be honest, I'll probably pull the same stunt in two weeks.

Flashback #3

We used to live in Utah...specifically, near Hill AFB. Needless to say, there was a lot of air traffic. This is a repost (copy/paste job) from an old live journal entry I posted Dec. 8, 2006. K was 6, S was 3 and Z was 1.

If there's a hell...I'm going. Especially after today. I lied to my child. I didn't just lie. I lied about Santa. Yes, I realize that telling them about Santa is a lie in itself, but I do think Santa teaches a lesson. Not one about your parents lying to you, but about giving and kindness. Also if you want people to be nice to you, you need to be nice to other people. So, for that reason, we incorporate Santa into our holiday celebrations. Anyway,S is a typical 3 year old boy. He's a pain most of the time, he's also loving and affectionate, but it's mostly all about destroying things, antagonizing his sisters and pushing the limits that J and I set. He's a 3 year old boy. Anyway, I had tried before to explain to him that if he doesn't listen to what mommy and daddy say, Santa probably won't bring him a race car for Christmas. He didn't seem to care. Today while we were getting ready to go to Sam's Club, I decided to try a new tactic. I told him about how "Santa knows" How Santa knows if you've been naughty or good,that he can see everything you do (ok, so I invoked a little Jesus fear there, I'm going to hell anyway, does it really matter?!) Well being the little smart ass he is (yes, I am aware that he is my child.) He said that if he hid,Santa couldn't see him. So he went and hid under J's computer desk. I said "oh S...Santa can still see you. Santa wears special glasses that help him see everything" Anyway, we got out to the van and he was alright, but by the time we arrived at Sam's Club he was acting up a little bit. I said "S,remember...Santa knows". At that very moment, I heard the jets coming in from bombing practice. I gasped and said "oh S! Do you HEAR that?! what's that sound? do you think that's Santa's sleigh or do you think it's just a silly jet?". His eyes got SO WIDE! he said "where's Santa mommy?". I said "I'm not sure, I wonder if he was flying by to do a 'spot check', just to see if you're being really good" He said "I can HEAR him mommy but i can't SEE him. Where IS he?". I said "oh honey,sometimes Santa's sleigh flies so fast you can't see it...sometimes you can only hear it". Oh my bob... he BELIEVED ME! he fell for it hook, line and sinker. I am so proud of myself. I thought I was going to have to resort to telling him that Santa was going to club seals with Baby Jesus or something. Man, oh man, even if he's only well behaved for the rest of today...that trip to hell is going to be SO worth it.

FYI

I've added a bunch of older stories that were posted on my personal Facebook page. So, if you have the time and the desire, be sure to check them out :)

My Murphy's Law Morning

This morning, I swear, was just a comedy of errors. Ten minutes before it's time for me to take the older two kids to school, my six year old son pipes up

S: mommy...we forgot to do my homework!

Me: you had homework?! why didn't tell me that on Friday, when I asked?!

S: I forgot. If I don't get it done, I have to stay in at recess *eyes well up with tears*

Me: *grrr* ok, get your socks and shoes on really quick, so we can get this done.

He proceeds to dawdle *face palm*.

Me: S get your shoes on, otherwise we can't get this done

S: but I'll miss recess! *sniffles*

Me: then get moving

S: *sobbing* you don't love me

Me: dude, seriously, just get the shoes on.

He finally puts his shoes on and we sit down to do his homework. He's in 1st grade, so I was thinking that his homework wasn't going to be anything more complicated than the homework he's had for the past few weeks. I was wrong. It wasn't really complicated, it just wasn't figuring out what time it is on the analog clock pictures. Nooooooooooooo, we have to find a penny. In the age of debit cards, I'm sorry to say, but we don't have a lot of change lying around, much less a penny. I start digging through the depths of my purse (see hell) and find a penny between a used tissue and some "way past it's prime" chewing gum. Question #1: What is on the front of the penny?  The answer of course is Lincoln's head. My son can't spell "Lincoln". I write it out for him on another piece of paper. He still has problems. Seeing that we have 3 minutes before the tardy bell rings, I grab the pencil and write in the answer (leaving a note at the top, for the teacher). I ask him what's on the back, for question #2, he tells me "a building". Well, he's in 1st grade, I doubt he'll know that it's the Lincoln Memorial. I tell him what the building is called and I write it in. thinking we're home free, I read the next set of instructions. Naturally, there are pictures of dominoes at the bottom...we have to cut them out and paste them to the back of the paper and write the number of dots below each domino. It is at this point, I start to wonder just how early is "too early" to start drinking. I then remind myself that I don't drink and start to entertain the idea of taking up a new hobby called "Mommy drinks". I quickly cut out the dominoes, paste them onto the back of the page and we get the homework done with, I kid you not, 1 minute to spare. I tell the kids to get their jackets (it was a little cool this morning) so we could head to school. They'll be tardy, but not much. S gets his on, with no problem, my oldest on the other hand...

Me: K get your jacket

K: I don't know where it is *turning around in circles, looking up at the ceiling*

Me: *rolling eyes* look in the closet, where it belongs.

K: *runs up to her room*

Me: *standing at the bottom of the stairs with my jaw hanging open and thinking "F*CK ME!"*

K: *comes downstairs with her 4 year old sister's jacket on*

Me: are you freaking KIDDING me?!

K: *upset* i can't find it!

Me: *open the hall closet door, exposing her hanging jacket*

K: *still upset* I'm sorry *sniffling*

Me: It's fine, just put your jacket on, so we can go.

K: I don't want to mess my hair up

Me: *bashing head against wall*

She finally gets her hoodie on and we head out the door. The Principal greets us at the walk up. She tells me they're fine, not to worry about the Tardy. I silently thank her, because I have to race back home to get Z ready for preschool. I get Z ready and off to school without too many problems. I then decide to treat myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. I figure I've earned it (it's like a happy dance in your mouth!). I drive the mile and a half to Starbucks and there is nobody.in.line! *squeeeee*. I pull up to the intercom.

Starbucks employee: Good Morning and welcome to Starbucks, may I interest you in a Pumpkin Spice Latte today?

Me: *all smiles* yes! you can! I would like *opens wallet to pull out debit card* .....CRAP! ...sorry about that. I seem to have left my debit card at home..i'll have to drive through and come back in a bit.

Starbucks Employee: NOOOOOOOOOO PROBLEM!

Now, I can't back up and leave, because six...count them....six cars are now behind me. I pull forward and realize that there's a woman that was at the window already. I wait....and wait....and wait....they hand her a latte and her change. I wait...and wait...and wait...they hand her a tray full of fraps and latte's and she FINALLY leaves. I drive past the window, smile and wave and leave. I get back home, race inside to get my debit card (which btw was not in my wallet because I took it out, when we went to the zoo, yesterday) and race back out to the car and drive back to Starbucks (hey, I REALLY needed that latte now). There is a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG LINE, now. Of COURSE, there is, because THIS.IS.MY.LIFE! I wait, patiently, and when I get to the window I decide that I want a sausage sandwich, in addition to my Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Me: ...and I'd like a Sausage Sandwich

Starbucks Employee: ....oh, sorry we're out of those this morning

Me: *thinking: of COURSE you are!* oh, that's ok, i'll just have the latte, thanks.

Ok, no big, I'll just go to McDonald's and get a Sausage Egg McMuffin (save me your "ew", you heard the Starbucks Employee, they.were.OUT!). I get my coffee, joke around with the barista while waiting for my "brain in a cup" and head down the street to McD's. I order a Sausage Egg McMuffin, I pay for a Sausage Egg McMuffin. I get home and notice a squirrel stuck on the small roof above our front porch. We have a split level house. There is a small roof above our front porch and then our big, main floor roof, just above that and a little balcony off to the side. Anyway, the squirrel is stuck on the lower roof. He sees me and starts to go beserk "OMG, HUMAN. HUMAN WILL EAT ME!" and starts racing around the little patch of roof. Now, I'm thinking "squirrel dude, just hop onto the balcony, climb up onto the lawn chair and hop onto the roof". He's still pacing. I get out of the car, because my breakfast is going to get cold if I sit there any longer. I open the door and the squirrel shoots up into the air and onto the upper roof. I guess if you're motivated enough...
I get inside and sit down to eat my breakfast. There sits a Sausage Egg BISCUIT.

...and that, your honor, is when my drinking problem began.

I should be smacked.

I went to the store to get a box of popcorn. On my way out of the aisle I almost ran into a rather large woman on a motorized cart. She smiled at me (with many missing front teeth) and I said "oh I’m sorry" and moved out of her way. I’m standing in line in the express lane, thinking about my husband’s late stepmother (I don’t know why). The woman comes up behind me and says "I really hate to ask you this, but could you give me a ride down to X and Y street?”.  There were a million reasons why I should have said "NO", but I looked at her and found myself saying "yeah, sure!" and smiling all while the little voice(s) in my head are screaming "what the FRIG are you doing?!" and "oh my hell I’m so totally going to end up on the news". I tell her that I will meet her at the door. As I walk over to the entrance of the store, there is an older woman wearing a KU t-shirt. She sees that I’m wearing a KU t-shirt and starts to talk about the game today, all while I hide my driver’s license, my debit card and HSA card in my bra (I paid for my popcorn with cash) and wait for the woman. We get to the car (we have a Prius and I made sure to keep the keys IN MY POCKET) And she says "oh, can you take me to Name of Gas Station (gas station that's across the street from the store). I say "ok" and I open the hatch for her to put her stuff in the back of the car. We get into the car and OH MY BOB, the stench coming off of this woman was horrible and I was thankful that I had the a/c turned on HIGH, blasting it away from my face. I wait, while she runs into the gas station to get her cigarettes and make sure that the air is coming IN to the car and not just circulating any more *harf*. She gets back into the car and we’re off. We get half way down the street and she sees her husband, who apparently decided to look for her. Thinking that this is the end of my nightmare ride, I pull into the school parking lot. She says “he can just get in on this side, right?” and she’s pointing to the passenger side of the back. I’m thinking “what the hell?!”. I nod, like the moron that I clearly am. She says “by the way my name is D”, I smile and give her my first name (not the name I answer to) and turn to greet her husband. He had one eye, not sure what happened to the other one, but he also had bottle capped glasses on. I felt that if they DID decide to kill me, I would probably survive. I continue down the street and drop them off in one of the...let's say, not as well kept and maybe a halfway house type building. They get out and tell me “God Bless You”, which makes me feel like crap for thinking the worst. The entire time my heart was pounding. I make it home and it's been ten minutes and I’m STILL shaking and mentally kicking my own ass for having said "yes" in the first place. I did fess up and tell my husband and my parents. I didn't even have my cell phone on me, which was how stupid I was. I generally believe that the majority of people are good people, despite appearances (and in this case, smell), but in this day and age, it just doesn't seem like the smart thing to do...giving strangers rides home. I likely won’t do it again and I’m, obviously, glad that this had a good ending. Again, I still don’t know why I said “yes”. Stupid…stupid…stupid.

Flashback #2

One evening, my (then) boyfriend and I went to Target to check out the clearance racks. Upon entering the store my boyfriend turned to me....

BF: I have to use the bathroom

Me: well, then, GO

BF: nah, I can hold it.

We walk back to the men's section and he finds some jeans to try on and I wander off to the women's section. About five minutes after we split up, this blur that was my boyfriend came whizzing by, hurling jeans at me and all I caught was the word "bathroom" as he raced out of sight. Chuckling and shaking my head, I went back to browsing. About ten minutes later, I hear my name being called over the intercom, asking me to come to the service desk. Thinking that he couldn't find me, I walked towards the desk, but didn't see him...so I began to wander around the store looking for him. Again, I hear my name called over the intercom. This time I walk up to the service desk and tell them that I was paged. This guy, who I didn't know, walks up to me and asks me if I'm BF's girlfriend. I say "yes". The poor guy, obviously, is trying hard not to laugh, and says "your boyfriend had an accident". It then dawns on me....he.shit.his.pants. I smile and say "oh my god, he shit his pants, didn't he? it's ok, you can laugh. did he?". The guy dies and while wiping tears from his eyes he says "yes" and that I need to buy a pair of pants for my boyfriend. I take the pair of jeans in my arms and pay for them and go to the men's room door. I knock and slowly open the door and call for my boyfriend.

Me: BF???

BF: come in here, do you have the pants?

Me: I can't come in there, I'll get in trouble and yes, I have the pants.

BF: *hobbling to the door with only a football jersey on* thank you

I hand him the pants and wait. He comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later and BOLTS out of the store, red faced. I make my own purchases and head out to the parking lot, where he's understandably upset.

Me: what the hell happened?!

BF: I thought I could hold it

Me: apparently NOT

BF: shut UP! I was fine, until I started trying on the pants. Then I felt the "inner push" and thought I could make it. I was squeezing so tight. I made it to the bathroom and into the stall and was fine, until....

Me: what? what???

BF: I bent over to pull my pants down and it just shot out of me all over the wall, behind me, all over the toilet seat and the floor. Oh my god I'm so embarrassed.

Needless to say...he missed his "target" *rim shot*

Flashback #1

Occasionally, I'll have to bore whomever reads this blog with a memory. The first one that comes to mind, took place my freshman year of high school. My close friend, M, was one of our neighbors. She lived in the house behind ours. I was always terrified of our back alley at night. Knowing that some dog or, worse, some bad boogieman would be lurking in the shadows just waiting to kill me dead. So, just like any other night, I raced home across the alley and just as I had crossed the alley into my backyard....FLEW through the air because I had forgotten about the pile of sticks my mom had placed by our garage...and landed on my face...no, slid across the yard on my face. Needless to say, the next day I had a huge "strawberry" on the right side of my face, prompting several school mates to ask what happened. Then upon hearing what happened, felt the need to tell me what I already knew...that I was a dumbass.

Crap

This morning I stumbled out of bed, came downstairs and opened the back door so our dog could go out for his morning potty session. Unfortunately, I failed to check the floor before opening the door, and as a result, managed to smear a fresh pile of dooky boom boom all over the carpet. Good times.