I had no idea....

On Friday nights, my kids usually "camp out" in our basement. They stay up late and watch cartoons until they pass out. Well, this is the first year that all three of my kids really kind of "get" Halloween. They've been telling each other the silliest things, all week long, just to try and scare each other. Well, tonight, they're in the basement and S tells K "If you stay up all night long, you'll disappear. You just fade further and further away...until...you're just gone!". K, of course, came running up here,in a panic, to tell me.

I'm still giggling

Bad Kitty, NO!

I, honestly, wasn't going to blog about this. However, I'm still a bit peeved and need to get this off of my chest. *deep breath*

As you know, I have a cat. Her name is Juicy and she is a shelter cat. We've had her for *counts fingers* about six years. When I went to the shelter to meet Juicy, she was the friendliest cat in the entire room. She purred, she sat in my lap, she nuzzled and talked to me. I was hooked. I forked over the $65 for her adoption fee and signed the adoption papers and took her home. From the moment we walked through the front door, she ceased to be "my" cat. Gone was the purring, the lap sitting and the nuzzling. Oh, there was still talking, but it was of the "I need food/water/clean crapping pan" variety. She is, for all intents and purposes, my husband's cat. Why? I have no freaking clue. Granted, I learned long ago that whenever my husband enters the room angels sing and rays of sunshine escape from between his ass cheeks, but...come ON! How could I not be her favorite?! I'm the one that feeds her, cleans her shit pan and takes her for her vet appointments. I'm the one that buys her those delectable snacks that my husband is so fond of feeding her. Oh, she gives me affection alright. She sleeps at the end of the bed, on my side of the bed. Not because she loves me, though, but because I'm not a freaking giant like my husband is. Trust me, if she could, she'd be all over Chewbauca's side of the bed.

Anyway, I've been sick this past week. No, it's not H1N1, as everyone keeps asking me. It's a cold. A simple run of the mill, wishing I was dead, cold. I spent all of last weekend in a Promethazine w/ Codeine induced coma (it was wonderful. I highly recommend it, if you're in search of a new hobby). During this time and all of this week, I still made sure that the needs of Juicy were met. She even sat with me on the couch, last night, as I watched Grey's Anatomy. I should have figured that something was up when she crawled into my lap and purred. After my show was over, I went up to our room to put something away. I rounded the end of the bed...that was when I saw it. In the middle of my side of the bed laid a giant cat turd. I was mad, yes, but even more so...I was hurt! Why me?! What the F$@% did I do to deserve a cat shitting?! My husband, clearly not sympathetic to my plight, laughed. That freaking sasquatch LAUGHED...at me! All he could offer up was "you must have done something to piss her off". Dude, I haven't done anything to the damn cat. I take care of her dumbass! Needless to say, the cat is wise to steer far away from me, for she just might become a strange stain in the carpet.

I'm so glad that I thought that through

My kids had Parent Teacher Conferences this morning. As I headed out the door, I grabbed an umbrella. It was supposed to rain, heavily, today and I wanted to be prepared. I drove down to the school and as I was getting out of the car, it started to pour...buckets of rain. No problem, I had the umbrella. Unfortunately, it was one that one of my kids had broken and I ended up getting soaked.

Out of the mouths of babes...

Z and I were headed to the grocery store, when this man (talking on his cellphone) cut me off in traffic w/o using a blinker light to boot! As luck would have it, he turned down the same street I was going to and proceeded to run a red light, after speeding down the street. The following conversation took place.

Me: That man is a bad driver!
Z: where did that stupid man go? *with her mad face on and hands on her hips*
Me: I'm not sure...oh there he is..he's going into that church, I guess.
Z: He needs to tell Jesus he's a bad driver!

Squirrely lil buggers...

Yesterday morning, I was sitting at my computer, reading my email. All of the sudden, I heard, what sounded like a herd of Elephants racing through my living room. Thinking it was the cat, I said "Juicy, knock it off". I turned and she was laying on the back of the couch...the sound persisted. I finally realized that it was coming from my roof. I went outside and saw a squirrel batting around a freaking acorn on my roof. Basically playing grab-ass with itself *shakes head*. And they say I have strange hobbies...

Now where the hell did I put that popcorn?

Last night, I had a doozy of a migraine. I'm pretty good about holding off on my prescription migraine meds until absolutely necessary. 1 Relpax and 2 Motrin later, it finally showed signs of subsiding. So, while my husband sat watching the Packers/Vikings game, I popped some popcorn and settled onto the sofa with a book. I began to feel more than a little loopy. I felt like I was drunk, to be honest with you. You know the part where the room moves a little? Yes, that part. I had my popcorn in a bowl and, well, I got thirsty. Not wanting to leave my bowl of popcorn on the sofa, where it might get spilled, I carried it into the kitchen with me. I got some water and was ready to head back to the sofa, when I remembered my bowl! I looked on the counter...wasn't there. I looked in the dining room...wasn't there. I even walked back over to the sofa...it wasn't there. Hmmm where the hell did I put my bowl of freaking popcorn?! "J, honey, did you see where I put my bowl of popcorn?". J looks at me like I'm a moron.

J: is this a joke?
Me: no, I can't find my popcorn. I know I brought it into the kitchen with me.
J: you're holding it.

I look down at my left hand and what do you know...my bowl of popcorn.

Flashback#5

Nothing too eventful has happened, as of late *knock on wood, cross fingers, eyes, toes and throw salt over my left shoulder*, so I have had to resort to posting flashbacks. Luckily for me, there are many!

This is another "pregnant story". I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest. We had a problem with keeping one of our two cats, out of the new baby crib. I had the idea to put clear packaging tape, sticky side up on the crib mattress. With the idea, cats don't like sticky stuff on their paws and maybe this will deter her. She was a tiny cat, definitely the runt of the litter and...well...she wasn't the brightest cat,either, so we were worried that this wouldn't work.

I was sitting down in our den, chatting with my husband via IM (he was at work), when I heard a screech! I ran up the stairs and reached the main floor, just in time to see our cat, BooBoo, haul ass down the steps into the living room, with a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE wad of packaging tape stuck to her butt. I'm talking basketball sized, so basically ALL of the tape that I used. She ran over our other cat, Nappy (short for Napoleon) and was just tearing around the main floor...screeching like someone was stabbing her to death. Nappy was all puffed out and hissing and I was laughing hysterically, to the point of near pants peeing, in the kitchen. She raced down to our basement, caterwauling and screeching the whole way and finally lost the tape. She never got in the baby crib, ever again.

Flashback #4

When I was six months pregnant with my oldest daughter, my husband thought he would be funny and put on one of my "pre preggo" bras. A little background... I'm 5'3" and before I got pregnant I weighed in at an athletic 130. He's 6'5" and at the time was around 210, so...big guy! The sight of him in the bra made me laugh pretty hard. then he started doing body builder poses and stretches, basically, just being a big goofball. well, he ended up splitting the bra in two, which made me laugh REALLY HARD... so hard, in fact, that I ended up peeing my pants. I had a trail all across our room, through the hallway and into our bathroom, where I sat, still laughing hysterically. To make matters worse, he brings me a maxi pad and says "we don't have diapers yet, but do you need this to help you?"