oops!

Note to self: When entering your husband's office...make sure he's NOT in a phone meeting before you say things like "phew it stinks in here...did you fart?!".

What will YOU be when you grow up?

I was snuggling with Z....

Me: mmmm I LOVE you Z. Why do you have to grow up? Why can't you stay small forever?
Z: I HAVE to grow up, so I can catch the bad guys and put them in jail.
Me: Oh? Are you going to be a police officer when you grow up?
Z: *looks at me like I'm stupid* Uh...NO...I'm going to be Batgirl. I'll stop the bad guys and when the police show up, I'll jump up on the roof so they can take the bad guys to jail.

Amazing dog and his tricks

As Z followed the dogs "Sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...sit Brody...Brody siiiiiit....Brody SIT! Good Dog! Mommy, isn't he amazing?!"

So THAT'S what Santa puts in the stockings....

S was looking at the gifts under the tree....
S: I know why you don't want us to put presents in the stockings?
Me: Why is that?
S: because they're too big.
Me: No, I don't want you putting presents in the stockings because SANTA puts crap in them.
S:.....Santa doesn't put crap in the stockings, Mommy; he puts JOY in them.

Would you like a bowl of crazy for breakfast?

Z comes running up to me. "Mommy! Did you know that Brody and Hattie can spin their heads?!" she then put her hands on her hips, puffed her chest out and beamed, proudly, before saying "...I taught them how". I'll just leave you to digest that little nugget of crazy...

Well, you know what I was thinking...

So it's cold...and I don't like being cold.I was thinking about getting into the hot tub after I return from picking Kaylin and Sammy up from school. I had the following conversation with Zoe.


Me: Zoe, you know what I was thinking after we pick Sammy and Kaylin up from school...that you, me, Kaylin and Sammy could get into the hot tub and warm up. What do you think?


Zoe: *her eyes get really big* You know what I was thinking?! I was thinking that we could get Brody some WINGS, so he can FLY!


...because I can't think of anything more that a dog would want, than to fly.

I make no promises...

Today, is my "Helper Day" at Z's preschool-

I was eating leftover chili, for lunch, when Z marched up to me and said "Mommy...you'd better not fart at my preschool or my friends won't like me anymore!" I'll try, but I can't make any promises.....

Read this...

Z walks up to me with a piece of paper. On this piece of paper is a bunch of random letters.

Z: Mommy, read this!
Me: it doesn't say anything...
Z: Yes, it does!
Me: No, it doesn't. It's a bunch of random letters
Z: It SAYS something, I wrote it...READ IT!
Me: It doesn't say anything!
Z: Yes it does!
Me: Fine, what does it say?
Z: I don't know, read it!

If SHE doesn't know what it says, how the hell am I supposed to know?!

...you know what hurts?

The kids came upstairs screaming (they'd been fighting). I was sitting at the computer and John was watching tv.....

S: K HIT ME IN THE NUTS! (she threw a bean bag at him and he missed)
Me: Ok, you guys probably need to go to bed. I'm tired of the fighting.
S: MOMMY! K HIT ME IN THE NUTS!
Me: S, I heard you the first time, you'll live. Go to bed.
S: BUT MOMMY, SHE HIT ME IN THE NUTS, IT HURTS!
Me: OK, EVERYBODY...S GOT HIT IN THE NUTS. REPEAT....S GOT HIT IN THE NUTS...and this just in....IT HURTS! *J begins to laugh*
: MOMMY, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME....IT HURTS!
Me: S, you got hit in the peener...it didn't get cut off, you didn't slam it in a drawer or get it caught in a bear trap. You got hit in your wee little weenie by a bean bag. Do you know what hurts? Pushing a baby out through your vagina hurts, S. If I can overcome that you can overcome a bean bag smacked peener. Now...GO.TO.BED!

** disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form saying that getting hit in the peener is not, in fact painful. I am sure it hurts, smarts, brings a tear to your eye, etc. However, I highly doubt it is as painful as pushing a baby through your vagina (or the pain from the contractions, for that matter). If and when you push something through the tip of your peener, be it a baby, a smart car or a kidney stone...then you'll understand what I mean.**